This week I have really made myself aware of my eating habits. I knew that I was addicted to food but I realized I am in denial about it. I don't want to come to terms how much I really eat. Why is it ok for me to eat McDonalds everyday, and then get depressed about my weight? I almost feel like I lose control of myself when I get a craving. Just like an addict has to get a high. I don't think rationally about my food choices before I binge. Then afterwards, I feel guilty, depressed, sick, annoyed, sad, and every possible negative emotion that is in my being. What the h*ll is wrong with me? Why isn't my brain working. I know what is wrong and right, I know how to lose weight and what to do, I know, I know. But, why in the world can't I just "DO IT"!
There has only been one time this past week that I have eaten due to survival. I can honestly say that I was truly hungry b/c I was shaking and my stomach was growling. My ultimate excuse for over-eating or binging is, "Oh I'm stressed, I'm stressed. That is the reason I keep eating" Well, hello! The reason you are stressed is b/c you are fat. Every negative aspect in my life seems to boil down to me being fat. For example, can't find a job, b/c I'm fat, can't afford anything, b/c I can't find a job due to my weight. The list goes on and on. Ugh! How do I get out of this rut. So frustrating.
So, my goal this week is to really evaluate weather or not I am hungry. Keep a journal of why I want to eat. Boredom, sad, stress, etc. What time and what I am craving. This should be interesting. Due to the fact that I am the biggest junk a-holic ever. I'll keep you posted.
Jul 25, 2010
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